Tom Green grows up, grows old and stands up
by John Sekerka
Ottawa’s merry prankster of cable mayhem past returns to assuage his grape Kool Aid drinking legions at Yuk Yuk’s tonight. But anyone expecting physical and mental assault from crazy ol’ Tom Green, may be sadly disappointed.
“I’m old now,” he says, “turning 40 next month. It’s not the same as when I was 25. I have words of wisdom to impart now. I don’t think anyone gives a crap about what you have to say until you’re at least 30. If you’re a 25-year-old and think I care what you have to say, you\you've got another thing coming. I’ve been there. I’ve seen 25. It’s not pretty. All these 25-year-olds walking around thinking they are so cool. Well guess what, man, you don’t know anything!”
Sounds like dad talking. Indeed, there will be no animal violations on stage; just a grumpy old guy talking into the mic, ruminating on the present dehumanizing digital age.
“I’m gonna kill Facebook,” Green claims, as he checks his iPhone. What a two-faced liar. Upon further scrutiny, it is determined there lies a massive lust-on for all things solid state: the iPad; YouTube; the Internet; and, of course, Twitter. Tom’s a twit, even though he tries to hide under a phony mature beard: “I’ve had two people tell me today that I look like a young Eric Clapton.” He’s wrong, Green looks like present-day Eric Clapton. It’s uncanny.
Back to the Twitting thing, Green claims to have broken the news of Osama Bin Laden’s death. “The media said that The Rock did it, but it was me,” he insists. “He never said what actually happened, I was the first, and get absolutely no credit from the media for it. The bastards. This was the biggest news story of the last 50 years. You can check the time of my Twitter post: 10:27 p.m. Before CNN, Time magazine, anyone, thank you very much.”
Tom’s getting riled up. He still has a fire inside, though it could be the fast food he devoured before our chat: “I have a very sensitive stomach.”
Standup is his domain now, coming full circle back into the comic womb. Radio, cable-access television, MTV, Hollywood, Internet, sleeping with Hollywood starlets (well, at least one) ― it’s been a whirlwind ride. Will Tom Green evolve into the next Jerry Seinfeld, or implode like Tracy Morgan?
“You should be able to say whatever you want on stage,” he states, “but in this day and age, someone is going to record it, and post it. You can’t get away with stuff that, say, George Carlin or Bill Hicks might have gotten away with back in the day.”
Possible implosion plays twice tonight at 7 and 9 p.m. News at eleven.
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